So that past couple of weeks have seen a lot of changes in the Winslow household. First, Mackenzie is almost potty trained. She is doing really well. Second we have had a change in ward boundaries and finally Eric's shifts change this week. With all these changes there have been some amazing things happen along with some not so good.
First the good. I have finally figured out why I am in school. Now I know my motivation but I am starting to understand the Lord has more for me to do than just course work. This past Thursday I had a major revelation. I am taking Spanish 2010 and 2020 during the summer semester. Well I have met this wonderful young lady in my class who I have connected with. She is so helpful with my speaking and pronunciation. Thursday we got out of class and early and had a wonderfully spiritual talk. Something she said really stuck with me. That was that the Lord wanted us to meet. With that in mind I have realized that there are people out there that value my understanding and view of the world. With that in mind it is on to the bad.
Along with feeling good about Mackenzie's potty training and my purpose in school I have been struggling with feeling of anger towards others in our ward. I will admit that Mackenzie is a ball full of energy that we are trying to harness, but what two and a half year-old isn't. In the past two weeks I have had a hand full of people make comments about Mackenzie not listening or not sitting in her chair. While I know this is true I feel if they are not her parents or her teachers they should keep their mouths shut. She is an amazingly loving little girl with so much to share in this world. But just as every other two year old out there it is our job as her parents to help her understand good from bad, right from wrong and wants versus needs. I don't need others who won't take the time to know her judging her or my parenting style, which is a work in progress. She is my first child for heaven sake! I do feel that many people are saying behind my back that this is all because I am not home all the time. Which leads to the ugly.
All of my life I have dealt with social aggression from other women who do not approve of my choices. But that is just it, they are my choices. These people are not in my heart, they do not know the struggles I go through. The constant prayers from my children for how to help them and myself and my husband to accomplish all the Lord has in store for us. This is why I am not thrilled about the ward changes. It is great to have more people in the ward but I feel more isolated that ever. I have not had visiting teachers in months, nor any visitors really unless I am outside. I struggle like everyone else but I also have a good heart and want to do what is right. Right now I feel like a failure as a mother, a wife and a divine woman in general. I fear that my children will not know or understand the love of my heavenly father, so I pray everyday and night that I will be able to teach and show them. Maybe I have it all wrong but I know in my heart I don't. I have had to wait so long and ached to have a family that every single decision I make from school, to housework, to discipline is for them. If I want advise I will ask for and to be honest I am going to ask someone who is willing to help not scold or belittle. With that said I know I can get past these feels with the Lord's help and continue to do his work both in our home and in our ward as he sees fit.
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